Another Personal Essay about People Pleasing

Did you know that Chameleons don’t just change colour for camouflage? They do it when they are cold or they’re stressed, when they're trying to protect or to attract.

I think constantly, about so many things. About my family and my friends. About people I’ve lost. About people I don’t know. About politics. About the Earth. About how to show up. About playing. About performing. About Southampton. About the beach and the rain. About sports. About my cat. About dessert. About Sidney Crosby. About the past. About the things that haven't happened yet and likely never will. About sex. About being famous. About attention and how I want it. About my appearance. About fighting. About loving. About music, movies and TV. About art. About books. About writing. About clothes. About crying and how I’m no good at it. About people I’ve loved and people I thought I did. About being a kid. About the weather. About food. About how I can help. About what I don't know. About past mistakes. About being wrong and of course, about being right. About what I have learned and what I want to learn. The list goes on and on and on and on and-  

I think of everything except myself. More specifically, what I need. What I want out of life. Maybe it is some intrinsic knowing but I’m certainly no good at confronting myself yet very good at adapting. Like a chameleon, I’m able to change colour to blend into nearly every room. I don’t compromise my principles but I know when to speak, when to lie. I can be stupid or all knowing. I can be the quiet one or the deep talker. I can be weird or enthusiastic. I can absorb emotions and pick up on energy. I’ve actually figured out how to fit a round peg into a square hole! But not without changing shape, probably permanently. I used to think this was a skill and in many ways I still do but it has become increasingly apparent that changing shape so often has left me with some deformities.

Adaptation, in itself, is not the problem. Human beings are adaptive by nature. Long before modern identity categories existed, human beings understood themselves through relationship. Relationship to season, relationship to land, relationship to one another. Identity was not fixed. It was responsive.   

But like anything, moderation is key and too often I find myself people pleasing or being a version of myself that I think someone else will enjoy. Where to draw the line is something I’ve struggled with for so long. When does a skill become self betrayal? I am beginning to understand that flexibility without a centre can become erosion.

I tend to place so much meaning onto people that it begins to feel tied to survival. That’s how powerful the mind and nervous system can be when they’re working in tandem. Reacting to how people react to me. Lately, I’ve been forced to ask myself what it is that I actually want. What do I need? And ashamedly, I don’t know the answer. And I’m not actually sure if curbing my people pleasing tendencies will get me closer to knowing the answer. Truthfully, I don’t know if I want to know the answer.

Confronting myself seems an impossible task because if I actually figure out what I want, I’ll have to choose it. And choosing something means not choosing something else. It means closing off other versions. Other paths. Other ways I could be. As long as I stay adaptable, everything is still technically available. I can keep adjusting. Keep responding. Keep changing colour depending on who’s in front of me. As long as I keep adapting, nothing is lost. Every version of my life stays open. I can keep changing colour.

It keeps me safe.

It also keeps me stuck.